Happy New Year

Jay Leno

Speaker: Rachel Roberts (Standard British accent)

Do you make New Year’s Resolutions? Well, the New Year’s almost here, so it’s time to decide how we can improve our lives.

WEIGHT PROBLEM

The number one resolution is losing weight, but how can we do it? Let’s avoid the obvious and painful option of dieting; instead we’ll listen to overweight US comedian Jay Leno. He says: “Our target is to be average, right? So, there are more overweight people in America than medium-weight people. That means overweight people are now average, so they must be of average weight… I suddenly feel thin!”
The US government is, however, seriously worried about its citizens’ weight. Its internet guidelines suggest: “Pay attention to serving sizes. Often what we consider one serving is really two or more!” Are they suggesting we should eat less?

HEALTH AND FITNESS

Next we have getting fit – that should be simple. The easy solution is to sign up at a gym, pay a year’s subscription and forget all about it. Gym clubs in America have some “exciting” new alternatives to get people actually inside their clubs. Girls may like a session of Stiletto Strength: that’s 30 minutes of stretching, then put on those frightening stiletto heels and start high stepping. If that sounds too dangerous, then try Karaoke Spinning. That’s people on indoor cycles pedalling as fast as they can, while singing songs at the top of their voices. An exhilarating experience, apparently.

MONEY MATTERS

The third favourite resolution is saving money. The best answer? Buy something really expensive – like a house or a car – then you’re obliged to pay the monthly instalments. That’s saving, isn’t it?
Resolutions are usually broken in the first week. You should set easy targets, of course; don’t tell anyone about your resolution (they’ll only laugh at you later); and never ever record your progress (it’ll just depress you). Finally, if you can’t resist just one more cigarette, or that wonderful box of chocolates… just give up. Don’t think of it as a momentary lapse, it’s the perfect excuse to return to those wonderful old habits.