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The Queen of Comedy

Luglio 2010
Sandra Bullock superwoman: nel giro di pochi mesi è riuscita a divorziare, adottare un bambino, vincere l’Oscar (per The Blind Side, che in Italia non vedremo) e anche l’Anti-Oscar, il Raspberry Award, per A proposito di Steve. Che lei con gran senso dell’umorismo è andata a ritirare, facendo uno speech divertentissimo.
Sandra Bullock in All About Steve
Sandra Bullock in All About Steve

Sandra Bullock is our cover story this month. We have chosen her for two reasons: (1) because she is a great actress; (2) because she has a great sense of humor. This was evident earlier this year when she received a “Razzie” Award for Worst Actress (in the film All About Steve).
The Razzies (or “Golden Raspberries”) are a parody of the Oscars. The reaction of most actors to receiving a Razzie is “no comment” (for obvious reasons), but Sandra Bullock attended the ceremony and gave a hilarious acceptance speech.
And so far the Razzie has not ruined her career. On March 6th, she received a Razzie for Worst Actress in All About Steve: on March 7th, she received an Academy Award for Best Actress in The Blind Side.
You can watch Sandra Bullock’s Razzie acceptance speech by clicking here. This is the transcript (all speakers are Standard American, except where stated):

Announcer:

Here we come, with a spray-painted gold for Worst Actress of 2009, here are Razzie veteran Dan E. Campbell and Razzie newbie Matt Vale!

Dan E. Campbell and Matt Vale:
Thank you.  Five fabulous females...
offering us five fabulously flatulent performances.
And now we will find out which one of these five will win! Ladies, start your alibies!
And now we’re all about to hear who the winner is!
May I ask for the envelope, please?
Oh, sure.
Thank you. And the Razzie for Worst Actress goes to: Sandra Bullock for All About Steve!

Rap artist (imitating Jay-Z) (African American accent):

Yo, yo, yo, yo, Razzie people, I’m really happy for you and I’m going to let you finish, but Beyoncé had the worst performance of the year! Worst performance of the year!

Announcer:

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to our stage, Academy Award-nominated – and Razzie Award-winning – Sandra Bullock!

Sandra Bullock:

You all better sit down, this is going to be a long night! I think this is an extraordinary award, and I didn’t realise that in Hollywood that all you had to do was say you’d show up and then you’d get it. If I had known that, I would have said I was appearing at the Oscars a long time ago!
No, but this is really wonderful for... for the most important reasons, because, they said no-one went to go see this film, but I know that there’s over 700 members here. And they... I won: that means the majority of the 700 had to have voted, so that means.... 352, right?
But, see, something tells me you all didn’t really watch the film, because I wouldn’t be here if you really, really watched it and understood what I was trying to say. So. We have Team Bullock here, who’s not very happy with you guys. And they brought everyone in... in the audience tonight a... a DVD of All About Steve...

A member of the audience:

Thank you!

Sandra Bullock:

Yeah, you say that now! Everyone gets a copy and this is the deal I’m going to make you again. See, how when I said I would show up, I miraculously won! I will show up next year, if you promise to watch the movie – and I mean really watch it – and really consider if it was, really and truly, the worst performance. And if you’re... if you’re willing to watch it and then I will come back next year, I will give back the Razzie and I will do this again.... This is all for you guys, but, if you really watched it, you will remember Brian from our office, who was in the film. Do you remember Brian?  You so lie! What scene was Brian in?

A member of the audience:

“In the... office scene!”

Sandra Bullock:

Yeah! Yeah! What was Brian doing in the office scene?
A member of the audience:
He was being bald!

Sandra Bullock:

Hey, what was that?

A member of the audience:

He was being bald!

Sandra Bullock:

Being bold?

Members of the audience:

Being bored! Being bald!

Sandra Bullock:

Yes, well, just... so that you would have seen his extraordinary performance and if, for no other reason, please, I need Brian’s work to be seen! So, you have this option, of watching, and we’ll leave this here for you guys to take on your way out, or I brought the shooting script, the final shooting draft, and I left a charity event with Jeffrey Katzenberg to come here, and... just proof right here – he wasn’t happy. But I’m willing go through – page by page – my dialog.
So we’ll be here for a while. And I will read the line the way that I read it in the film and then I want anyone who wants to give me a line reading of how I could have done it better to read it back to me. All right? So we can do this till about four o’clock in the morning, or you guys can just watch the movie and rethink your decision and have me back next year. And I will show up and then we can actually go drink afterwards.
I’ve got to get back to this charity event because it’s actually, you know, Jeffrey Katzenberg, and he can make prevent me from working again.  
But I hear, also, we heard over the wire that Bradley Cooper and myself won Best Couple. OK, you know... again, if you had seen the film, seen it, with your eyes, it’s pretty much a film about a woman stalking a man. That doesn’t really set up the premise for a loving couple. So, to give us the Worst Couple award is kind of a ‘duh.’ So... I’m just sort of overstating an obvious, I just want to help you guys out next year, the thing about these awards, just see the movies first and then make your decision. Hope you have a great night, thank you for ruining my career with a very bad decision!

But I want you to know that Michael and Brian and Maggie, who’ve spent so much of their time and their... their life and their... their blood trying to bring to life how fucked up you media people are... in All About Steve. And that’s all we were trying to say. Don’t try and... don’t try and take us down ‘cause we’re different, man!
You want us to be the same, but we’re not. Brian is always going to be bald: that’s what you saw him do in the film, that’s who he is in real life. Maggie’s tiny, but she’s mean! And Michael, just... Michael doesn’t really speak, so that’s... you know... so just... just do me the favor, watch it, and then, if you change your mind, I’ll be back next year, to give back the Award. Thank you very much.

Announcer:

Ladies and gentlemen, Sandra Bullock!


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Glossary

raspberries - lett. lamponi, ma la parola significa anche pernacchia (v. Speak Up explains).

gave a hilarious acceptance speech - ha fatto un discorso divertentissimo.

spray-painted gold - oro verniciato a spruzzo.

newbie - novellino.

flatulent - disgustoso.

that all you had to do was say you’d show up and then you’d get it - che basta dire che ti presenterai e lo vinci.

you guys - voi.

you say that now! - aspetta a dirlo!

this is the deal I’m going to make you again - questo è il patto che vi propongo.

you so lie! - che bugiardi che siete!

he was being bald - faceva quello calvo.

to take on your way out - da prendere quando uscite.

shooting script - il copione finale.

charity event - serata di beneficenza.

I’m willing to go through... my dialog - sono disposta a ripetere con voi tutta la mia parte.

I will read the line - leggerò la battuta.

we heard over the wire - abbiamo sentito in giro.

a woman stalking a man - una donna che perseguita un uomo.

to give us the Worst Couple... kind of a ‘duh’ - darci il premio per ‘peggiore coppia’ è un po’ una cretinata.

I’m just sort of overstating an obvious - sto solo ripetendo una cosa ovvia.

to bring to life how fucked up you media people are - portare alla luce quando voi giornalisti siate degli idioti.

tiny, but she’s mean - minuscola, ma cattiva.